


Verschlimmbessern

by bstnschwnstgr



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Maybe HAppy ending, writer hasn't decided yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:55:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9414836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bstnschwnstgr/pseuds/bstnschwnstgr
Summary: The story's been written in the spur of the moment.  It's more like a stream of consciousness therefore I'm sorry for the endless grammatical mistakes.  This is still a constantly changing story in my head, it's based on things that I'm still going through so it's very personal to me.  I hope you enjoy the beginning!





	1. 22.01.2017

**Author's Note:**

> The story's been written in the spur of the moment. It's more like a stream of consciousness therefore I'm sorry for the endless grammatical mistakes. This is still a constantly changing story in my head, it's based on things that I'm still going through so it's very personal to me. I hope you enjoy the beginning!

00:00  
As the bell struck twelve times, Mario sat up in his bed contemplating. It had been a shit week. One of those weeks where nothing goes to plan and everyone is out to hurt you. He had been exhausted and lonely even when he was surrounded by his friends. Maybe I’m just lonely. It had also been the first time in a year and a half that he had been single. That’s it. All the emotions are just coming out right now because I’ve been busy. It doesn’t mean anything. Who was he kidding? He of all people knows exactly what he’s feeling. No matter what he tells his friends, he’s still thinking about him because he had never stopped loving him.

  
Fuck.

  
_What have I done? Why did I sleep with that guy? Did I just cheat on Marco? But Marco hasn’t been talking to me for two weeks now, plus he said he didn’t want to date me but just continue to meet up. But he also said that three months ago. But we also never established that we are actually dating so we don’t have any commitment with each other! Fuck. Do I still like Marco then? I mean there must have been a reason why I just slept with that guy right? If everything was going fine between us, then I would’ve waited for Marco for two months. Not like two months is a very long time…_

  
_“Hey, you okay? You seem a little quiet.” His voice interrupted my train of thoughts. I looked over my shoulder and stared at Joshua. “Peachy.” I replied with the strongest smile I can conjure at the moment. “You want to go out and get some food? I’m hungry.” “Sure.” Sensing my hesitation, he then leaned over me and began placing feather like pecks along my jawline, “then we can get back to what we were doing.” He did not stop until I pulled away and put on my clothes. “Let’s go”_   
_Those memories still haunt his brain. How did he just lose his virginity to a guy he met in his economics tutoring class? It wasn’t as if virginity is a huge issue for Mario, but he’d always thought he’d be a tiny bit more conservative than spreading his legs for the first guy he found during the summer. Joshua is a dick. He knows that now but there is nothing to be done to repair the damage. The wreck that he made._

  
_“I’ll miss you.”_   
_“Yeah, me too.”_   
_“Until next summer then?”_   
_“Yeah, you bet.”_

  
Reading back to those texts now, he feels like the biggest idiot in the world. People were wrong when they said the only way is up when you’ve hit rock bottom. Turns out, there are hidden passages to the gates of hell from there.

  
_After he’d told all his friends about his seemingly wonderful summer fling with Josh, they’ve all decided Mario had to completely break things off with Marco. Even though they are all aware that Mario and Marco were never official, they also know that Mario cannot go on and see Marco as if nothing had changed between them._  
 _Mario met up with Marco behind the sixth form centre, Mario’s heart panged with guilt and heaviness and Marco began to entwine their fingers together. Mario collected himself and pulled them to a bench. As Marco began to ask him about his summer, Mario became increasingly nervous._

  
_Oh god, I can’t do this. But I have to. I have to…_

  
_“So what did you want to talk to me about?”_  
 _“Over the summer, I had a lot of time to think.”_  
 _“I know, I know we didn’t speak for much, I thought we need to change something as well.” Marco interrupted._  
 _“I think with the last year of high school coming, I’m not going to have as much time as I’d like to.”_

It must be the most ironic thing Mario’s ever said to Marco as time had always been their biggest problem. There was never enough time for the both of them.

  
As Mario recollected more of that day’s memories, his heart clench tighter and tighter. What a bunch of bullshit. What a coward’s way out to tell him the real reason why you want to stop seeing him. But even in the last moment, Marco still asked whether he wanted to “stop meeting up” with him. That does prove that Marco’s never treated this as a relationship! So I don’t need to be guilty anymore right? Even at the last moment, it was still wishful thinking from me.

  
It had been four months and sixteen days since he had ended things with Marco officially. He had dated some guy for two months and twenty-two days after ending things with Marco but everything’s finished now. In retrospect, he should have never started things with Chris but it had been two weeks after ending thing with Marco and Mario was done moping around. He thought he was ready for a new start. In retrospect, Mario should’ve known it wouldn’t last. Who starts a relationship by giving a hand job to a guy he met four hours ago?

  
Fuck. I miss him.

  
Would it be such a bad idea to talk to him right now? Would we have worked out even if I did not hook up with Josh? Josh who turned out to be the biggest dick in the entire universe by denying he had a girlfriend? Why do I always pick the bad ones?

  
00:35  
Mario hadn’t moved an inch of his body for the past thirty-five minutes. His heart was racing at over 100 beats per minute, it was filled with anxiety and feelings he thought he had suppressed deep inside. Frustration kept building up but with no escape route, Mario was forced to feel.

  
I miss you.

  
Would it be the end of the world if I just text him right now and tell him everything? Tell him how I still feel, tell him how I felt when we were together? Would he understand? Does he even care?

  
No.

  
But what if?

  
According the Letters to Juliet, What and If are harmless words until your mind puts them together. What if he cares?

  
00:40  
Am I actually doing this? “Hey Marco…”

  
00:41  
“Hey M”

  
00:42  
“Hey Marco, how are you?”

  
00:43  
“Hey.”  
So that was the final version he decided to accidentally press send on. Great. Great. Just Great.

  
00:44  
“Hi.”

  
Mario’s heart is running at a hundred miles per minute now. He replied. He actually replied!

  
“How are you?”  
Just to keep the conversation going.

  
“Ok. What do you want?”  
Okay, well… Should’ve known Germans always keep it straight to the point.

  
“Can we talk?”

  
“What’s there left to talk about?”

  
“I just don’t want to leave things like this between us.”

  
“You broke up with me Mar.”

  
Fuck. What could he say now?

Tell him how sorry he is? Tell him how it had all been a mistake? Tell him he was the first guy Mario’s loved? Tell him what exactly? It wasn’t as if it was not hard enough for Mario to see Marco every day during school. But how would Marco know about that? As far as Marco’s concerned, Mario gave the most half-assed excuse to break up with him, only to start dating another guy after a month. As far as Marco’s concerned, Mario’s truly moved on and is currently happily in another relationship. But Marco doesn’t know that Mario’s broken up with Chris two weeks ago because he’s realised he’s never stopped loving Marco. Marco doesn’t know that he is the only thing running through Mario’s head for the past two weeks. Marco doesn’t know that Mario’s longed to be in a relationship with Marco for so long but never brought it up in fear of the fragility of their “relationship”.

 

00:56  
“Sorry. I might be a bit drunk. Just ignore me.”  
Again. Why?

  
Two blue ticks indicating Marco’s read the message. After five minutes, no replies came. Next time Götze, just keep your pining in your head. Don’t make it any weirder than it already is.  
As Mario got ready for bed, his thoughts are still running a mile per minute in his overworked brain. What if I never get over Marco? What if he became another what if? What if he’s moved on? What if he doesn’t care anymore?

  
_Is it too late, Marco?_


	2. 18.03.2016

_“Your hair looks great Mar, stop checking yourself out in the mirror and come have a drink before everyone else gets here!”_

_With one final look in the mirror, Mario entered Thiago’s room where his roommate Xabi was already on his way to being tipsy._

_“How much did he drink?” Mario asked._

_“One shot.”_

_Mario and Thiago exchanged an exasperated look and took the drink away from Xabi._

_“You look great by the way.  Marco won’t be able to keep his hands away from you later.” Thiago commented with a wink._

_“Shh.  You know he’s not like that.  I swear, he is the most German of them all.”_

_“Who knows?  Maybe tonight will be your lucky night!”_

_As the two friends finished their short exchange, Xabi had somehow took another two shots of vodka and is now bouncing around the room, belting out the latest Reggaeton.  Half an hour passed without the three of them noticing it, as they secretly pass around bottles of alcohol just to get pumped up for the ball.  Schools such as Allianz is posh in the way they organise balls and fancy dinners for their pupils.  Allianz is a government funded boarding school and the two main houses on campus are Dortmund and Bayern.  Tonight is the prestigious Spring Ball and it’s also the night when the two new house captains from Dortmund and Bayern would be announced.  Mario and Marco were selected to be the sports captain of the two houses respectively.  Dynamic sports couple huh!_

_“Come on.  The boys from Dortmund would be here soon.” Thiago teased._

_As the trio walked into the common room in Bayern, they each collected a champagne flute as if Mario’s flush was not apparent enough already.  As the boys socialise with their friends, all taking rare pictures in which they actually look alive in, the boys from Dortmund arrived._

_Why am I suddenly so nervous?  It’s not as if this is the first time I’m seeing Marco!_

_As Mario got more and more nervous, he became more and more distracted while talking to Thiago that he completely missed Thiago’s signal that Marco is now approaching them behind Mario.  Suddenly, Mario became aware of Thiago’s eyes gesturing at something behind him so he turned around distractedly, staring into the chest of a suit.  He looked up and found a pair of hazel-green eyes staring back.  Immediately, his cheeks burned red with embarrassment, although it was hardly distinguishable between his flush and his blush._

_“Hi.”_

_“Hi!”_

_Marco and Mario exchanged a short but sweet greeting as they leaned in to hug each other.  No one would blame him if Mario later confessed he inhaled Marco’s sweet cologne later._

_“Come on, let’s go.”_

_Marco bravely held Mario’s hand in his, walking their way to the venue._

_The venue was, of course, beautiful.  Mario helped decorate it this afternoon.  The room was brightened with light gold and royal blue satin ribbons against a strikingly white background, with bright yellow daisies on each table to indicate it is indeed a Spring Ball.  It was overwhelmingly beautiful and Mario couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of pride._

_The evening went by like a flash, he was sat opposite of Marco and next to Luca, making conversation like an old couple.  A flash of pain crossed through Mario’s heart, no they are not dating, Mario reminded himself.  Mario is now slightly buzzed, feeling like he is on top of the world and secretly wiping away a teardrop as one of his best friend Philipp became the house captain of Bayern.  The Spring Ball was truly amazing.  After the dinner, they were allowed to roam around the campus, dance in the disco or enjoy a game of bumpers’ car.  Mario is now alone with Xabi who is crying about missing Stevie and his Liverpool gang because sometime after the dinner, Mario had lost Marco to Luca.  After comforting a drunken Xabi who drank everyone’s wine on his table during dinner, Mario headed inside the hall where the disco is.  Walking gingerly through the crowd, he finally spotted Marco dancing awkwardly yet charmingly with his friends.  It was definitely the vodka.  Mario thought as he began to approach Marco from behind.  He tapped Marco’s shoulder and laced their fingers together, whispering sweet nonsense to him._

_They headed out and queued up for the bumpers’ car.  Mario had never felt as close to Marco as he had now.  They were standing close to each other, fingers still entwined, bodies danced close to each other.  It was as if they were a couple if it was for one night only.  Stop.  Mario had to persistently remind himself.  They are not dating._

_It was a lot of fun.  Marco never looked more gorgeous with his hair slicked back and a black bowtie around his neck, Mario thought.  Okay, shit, I have to stop eye-fucking him or everyone else will notice somehow.  After the bumpers car ride, they sneaked away from the watchful eyes of staff members to a secluded part of the campus._

_It was slow.  Kisses were always soft, gentle and slow with Marco.  Marco kissed like Mario was the most precious pearl in the world and Mario’s heart soared after each and every one.  Mario was nervous.  He was going to ask Marco about their “relationship” but he didn’t want to.  What if by asking, he ended up ruining the only thing that made him happy for the past year?_

_“Marco, I need to ask you something.”_

_Marco didn’t reply just looked at Mario expectedly.  Mario felt like his heart is in his throat ready to jumpy out._

_“People have been asking me whether we are going out and I don’t know what to answer them.”_

_Right, just like Mario had rehearsed at least ten times with Thiago and David.  Mario was staring up at Marco expectedly, desperately hoping Marco would give him the answers he most sought after.  The answer he had been after ever since he met Marco during the first fateful weekend he spent in Allianz.  It was eerily quiet until Marco spoke._

_“Well we can go to London if you want.”_

_Erm. Okay. What do I say to that? Shit. I forgot about the language barrier.  Fuck.  How could I forget that “going out” does not mean “dating” in Germany and that it only applies to English people? Great, another opportunity missed._

_“Oh right yeah!  That sounds fun!”_

_Wow Mario.  I thought you were better than this.  Mario allowed himself to get distracted momentarily in Marco’s eyes.  How could someone so intelligent be so oblivious when it comes to feelings?  Questions began to fly through Mario’s mind: What if he doesn’t actually want to date me?  What if I’ll never come before Luca and football?  What if it was just me?_

_Frustrated, Mario simply pressed his lips against Marco, hoping that his mind will stop throwing stupidly ambiguous questions when he cannot think rationally.  As Marco deepened the kiss, Mario allowed himself to melt into the embrace.  One of his hands clutching at Marco’s white shirt and the other slipped around Marco’s neck, pulling him closer while Marco’s arms stayed around Mario’s waist, not moving an inch above or below.  This is familiar, it’s routine but it does not take away the butterflies in his stomach.  Mario felt disappointed but it was not as if he had ruined the entire evening, the night was far from a disaster after all.  Unless Mario would recount the bit when the photographer mistook Luca and him as a couple instead of with Marco.  But, well…  Plus, Mario had after all asked the question he so desperately wanted the answers for and although Marco had not understood his question like he had hoped he would in an ideal situation, it was not a definitive no.  Therefore, he still had hope right?_

_Tomorrow Mario will recount tonight to David, then Thiago, then Xabi.  David will berate him for not clarifying his question and psychoanalyse him into admitting his desire to run away from any sort of confrontation at any cost.  Thiago will possibly do the same and Xabi would be too tired to give any comments.  Tomorrow, Mario will regret not repeating his question in a different way.  Tomorrow, Mario will regret another missed opportunity._

_But for tonight, Mario allowed himself to dream._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this! Feedback is hugely appreciated :)


	3. 06.09.2016

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mario recalled the time he broke up with Marco

It seems like a week ago that Mario officially ended things with Marco.  He still remembers that day well.

_“So what did you want to talk to me about?”_

_“Over the summer, I had a lot of time to think.”_

_“I know, I know we didn’t speak for much, I thought we need to change something as well.” Marco interrupted._

_“I think with the last year of high school coming, I’m not going to have as much time as I’d like to.”  It must be the most ironic thing Mario’s ever said to Marco as time had always been their biggest problem.  There was never enough time for the both of them._

_“Okay… so you want to stop meeting up?” Marco finally stopped bouncing his knees and looked up to Mario._

_“Yes it’s just that with the last year coming up, I’m just afraid I won’t have as much time to meet up with you.” That was the biggest lie Mario had ever told Marco.  It must’ve been.  Who was it that always moaned to Thiago and David about how Marco only ever has time for his work, football and Luca?  Did he seriously just used the thing he’s always mad at Marco for to end things with him?_

_“Okay.  I understand.  But you don’t need to be stressed.”_

_With that Mario let out a breath he did not know he was holding in.  Marco and Mario have always had a weird relationship.  There is no doubt to any naked eyes that they have chemistry between them, but their dynamic on the other hand is different.  Different in the way you would not expect from a pair of lovers.  But then again, they never made it that far.  Perhaps it was because of their weird dynamic that allowed them to talk for an hour after Mario’s ended things with Marco.  It was perhaps the most difficult decision Mario’s ever made.  A bit melodramatic but he’s a teenager, so spare him some slack.  He did not expect to have a final heart to heart conversation with Marco after they’ve broken up, yet here they are.  Everything was foreign and unexpected._

_“See?  I always only see the bad things but you always manage to see the good.”_

_Mario wanted to cry.  How did you not see the bad in me then?  Mario thought bitterly.  I don’t deserve you, Marco._

_“Haha, yeah I guess.” That is the only reply Mario can offer._

_What if I just tell him the truth right now?  Maybe I can still salvage this relationship?  But this would break him.  I can’t be this selfish!  There was a reason why I hooked up with that guy over the summer.  Surely I don’t like Marco anymore!  This must just be me remembering the good memories…_

_They had an awkward goodbye._

_Mario looked up to Marco and Marco looked back.  Neither of them moved.  There were still so many words yet to be spoken but neither had the courage.  Marco could’ve fought for the relationship harder but he didn’t.  Mario could’ve told him the truth but he didn’t.  At the last moment, Mario stopped himself from kissing Marco, even on the cheeks._

_You don’t have that right anymore, he berated himself._

_“Bye, good luck on everything.” Marco, always so Marco._

_“Yeah, I’ll see you later.” And there’s Mario, with his lame ass answer as always._

_As Mario walked towards his friends, he couldn’t help but feel a kind of relief but at the same time there is a weight over his heart that’s slowly growing.  His friends asked him how it went, what he had said.  Mario told the story but it felt weird that he was telling the story.  It did not feel like his story to tell.  Perhaps some part of him still hasn’t registered what just happened less than an hour ago._

_Naturally, Mario was distracted all throughout dinner.  He left early after dinner to have some alone time with himself.  He felt like he’s floating but he does not have a way to come down.  He felt drained.  He sat down on the bench outside Allianz and cried.  He cried for the sudden hollowness in his heart.  He cried for the love he still has for Marco.  He cried for his stupidity.  Suddenly, he was joined by a presence.  Mario didn’t say anything, instead he just fell into Jordan’s embrace.  He continued to sob, urging the pain in his heart to go away.  It didn’t.  Jordan is understanding and loyal.  Mario didn’t need to justify himself and Jordan would understand.  For a while, Jordan just provided Mario with silent comfort.  It was exactly what Mario needed.  Mario explained everything that had happened, how he had ended things with Marco because he slept with Joshua during the summer.  Jordan understood._

_“It’ll be okay.  You’ll be okay.  It was the right thing to do.”_

_Mario allowed himself to trust Jordan, at least just for tonight.  Maybe it’ll be better tomorrow._

_A week later, Mario still felt like he had committed the worst crime in history.  It was after one of his lonely walks after dinner that he broke.  During dinner today, he was sitting on a table with his friends, talking and laughing like any other day.  However, he made the mistake of looking up when Marco was walking past this time.  As he looked up, he realised Marco was staring straight at him.  He couldn’t help but glanced at Marco from top to bottom, Marco’s arms flexing as he leaned against the wall waiting for Luca.  What haunted Mario the most was his eyes.  His eyes that once held so much adoration in them now filled with hollowness and regret.  Fuck._

_Mario made a hasty excuse after dinner to take one of his walks again.  After he made sure no one was around, he cried._

_Why is he still affecting me?  He should not be affecting me anymore!_

_After going back to Allianz, he found David in the common room and pulled him into the corner._

_“It’s bad.” David simply looked at Mario, urging him to explain.  “We were in the refectory and I was just talking with the others then I looked up and there he is.  He was looking at me already and I looked back.  I thought I was over it.  It’s been a week.  Why am I not over this yet?  David?”_

_As Mario continued, he began to feel his eyes well up with tears he did not dare shed during the week._

_“It’s only been a week Mar, you loved him.  It will be hard.” David reassured him while hugging little Mario._

_“I know.  But he shouldn’t still be in my head.  I should be over him by now.  Why am I still not over him!” Mario whispered desperately.  He wanted to understand but he did not understand anything.  All David could do was embrace Mario with his comforting hugs while reassuring him he will get over Marco in no time.  David didn’t know it but at times like this, only David can calm Mario down.  No matter how close he is to Jordan or Xabi or Thiago, only David can help Mario come back down._

_“Thank you.” He whispered._

_“Anytime my love, anytime.” David murmured reassuringly._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was shorter guys. I had this in my head and I just needed to write it down. I might go back and edit it later but this was a really emotional chapter for me. So thank you for reading! C x


	4. 21.01.2017

Sometimes Mario likes to be isolated from his friends.  Perhaps it is not an entirely voluntary one, more like a habitual one.  Being at Allianz is amazing, he gets to know so many people from different cultures and gets to learn so many languages all at once while playing his football.  However, it is isolating when he only seems to surround himself with friends who don’t have English as their first language.  Whenever his friends start engaging in conversations in their own languages, he finds it difficult to join in.  No matter what they say, he will never initiate a conversation with them as that is not who he is.  He is simply not confident enough to interrupt a flow of conversation.  In his current emotional state, when his friends begin slipping into their native languages carelessly and innocently, it is simply secluding.  They would tell him to tell them when he’s feeling this, but Mario couldn’t.  He could not ask his friends to not speak their language when they are so far away from home, he couldn’t deny them the chance to keep engaging with their culture.  At times like this, Mario feels like he’s surrounded by a panorama of different white noises and he doesn’t know who he is.  Perhaps that is why he is drawn to Marcus in the first place.

Marcus is quiet, perceptive, reserve but straightforward.  Mario would often find himself engaged in a group conversation with Marcus looking not completely at ease, perhaps that is why Mario initiated conversation with Marcus.  Although he appears to be closed off to the rest of the world, Mario realised how witty and snarky Marcus can be, not unlike Mario’s own humour, he mused.  Marcus is artistic, a hopeless romantic, intelligent but he would only allow a handful of people to get to know that side of him.  Sometimes Mario thinks that he is beginning to see the attraction of Marcus, like so many of his peers do; but whenever he allows himself the honour to fantasise, his mind always leads back to Marco.  It is for the best anyway.  Mario should not bring Marcus into the mess of his life when he does not even know how to fix it, how to forget about Marco, learn how to move on.

Perhaps he needs to focus on himself first.

21.01.2017

_Mario was waiting for Adam outside the cinema, about to go in for their little “date” to watch the newest Disney movie, Moana.  Adam was late, Mario was growing impatient.  It was a bad week for Mario, he had numerous anxiety breakdowns and he feels like he had been walking on eggshells the entire week.  Sure, there would be moments of light relief but it was not enough to completely lift himself out of his draining mood.  When Adam finally arrived, Mario huffed in annoyance but he could never stay mad at Adam.  Adam is too sweet for his own good._

_They queued up to buy popcorn and the tickets.  Adam being the idiot forgot to bring his student ID and had to pay for the adult ticket.  And of course because they are students, Mario prepared a bag of biscuits in his bag and drinks for the both of them.  Smart, eh?_

_When Moana finally started, Mario allowed himself to settle into his seat.  He shed tears whenever Grandma Tala is in a scene with Moana, he couldn’t help it okay?  That made him think of his own grandma, his grandma who practically raised him and his siblings and their parents had been too busy trying to earn a living enough to raise four kids in a cosmopolitan city.  So Mario is a football kid, but he also enjoys his music.  Moana speaks to him like so few musicals had done so previously.  He thinks about the struggles he had been facing lately, how irritated he would get by the tiniest event and the irrational thoughts that often follows.  He wants to be the carefree guy, the one everyone can love, the one who does not get irritated by everything but he couldn’t.  He couldn’t life the heavy burden on his heart, he couldn’t bear with the stress of being around everyone constantly without the freedom to do as he wishes.  He couldn’t deal with the mass amount of noise and light and people.  He wants to be isolated but surrounded by everyone at the same time.  Mario doesn’t think he had ever felt so lonely in his life._

_Surprisingly, Marco does not pop into his mind at all.  Well he did, when Adam and Mario were having a late lunch after the movie.  He thought he had begun to like Marco all over again.  Two weeks before he broke up with Chris, he had begun thinking of the memories he shared with Marco.  However, it wasn’t just the harmonious and pleasant memories that Mario remembers, he also remembered the hard and frustrating ones._

_He loved Marco.  Marco probably never loved Mario but Mario loved Marco.  He fell for him fast and hard.  He fell for Marco within two hours of speaking to him.  Marco makes Mario feels like jelly inside whenever he flashes one of his charming smiles.  Marco’s eyes would crinkle around the side when he grins at Mario’s extremely bad jokes.  Mario had never felt a deeper emotional connection than the one he had with Marco but he wanted something solid that he could hold onto.  No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that they had a relationship, he knew he was only kidding himself.  Marco had said that they should not be dating but at the same time told Mario that he would like to see Mario more often.  Why was Marco so confusing?  Mario wanted it to be real.  He wanted the relationship to be real so badly.  Yet, at the back of his mind, Mario knew Marco ~~could~~ would have never considered it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for all your comments and kudos. Sorry I'm only responding to them now.


	5. 25.03.2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mario gets drunk.

It’s been two pathetic months of mooning after Marco, Mario realised.  He also realised his life would never pass the Bechdel test, not that he was a girl, but his life is probably more melodramatic than one.  It’s been officially more than 6 months since things ended between him and Marco, yet Marco hadn’t left his mind once during this time.  Tonight, is the Easter Ball and Mario is determined to make the most out of his last formal dress up thing at Allianz, this means a lot of alcohol have to be involved.

This was the second drunkest Mario had allowed himself to be at Allianz, the first being the last day of school last year when he went to school with a massive hangover.  Mario was having the time of his life, he drunkenly remarked that tequila really don’t mix well with other beverages and that the effects take more time to show up.  Everything was fine until the dinner started.  By this point, it should be noted that Mario had a bit more than two shots of tequila, possibly two and a half glasses of champagne and he was about to have two extra glasses of wine.

Also to be noted, Mario is a very affectionate, emotional and talky drunk.  He was sat next to a boy in his year who he never really speak to, but apparently decided today is a good day to start.  Everything was fine, Mario was confidently cracking jokes with everyone until the topic of boyfriends came up.  He was asked if he was still with Chris and when Mario explained why they broke up, the others nodded compassionately.  That gave Mario the nod of approval to continue talking about his feelings, “you know what the worst thing is?  I still like him.” Honestly, Mario really shouldn’t be talking about his feelings to Marco’s friends but nothing could stop him when he was not in his most sober state.  And so Mario ended up with a heart-to-heart with some of Marco’s friends…

After the dinner, there is a disco in the hall.  Let’s say that Mario was slightly more affected right now, having downed another glass of wine during the toast by stealing someone’s glass on the table.  Mario decided it was a brilliant idea to try and find Marco and talk to him.  He couldn’t.  He found David instead.

“I can’t find him, and I really want to talk to him, but I can’t find him.”

“It’s okay, just enjoy your evening.”

“But I really want to talk to him, I can’t do this anymore.” Mario babbled.

David took one look at Mario’s face and offered, “do you want to go outside?”

Mario nodded.

As soon as they’re outside, all of Mario’s calmness faded away.  He sobbed into David’s chest, while David patted his hair soothingly, whispering words like “it’ll be okay, you’ve been doing this for so long now, you can do it tonight.”

Mario had never been so thankful of having David by his side that night.

And so everything was fine afterwards.  He had fun and had danced crazily along to the music, screamed his lungs out when Can’t Hold Us came on, possibly embarrassed himself while trying to dance sexily to Flo Rida’s Low.  Everything was fine until the last moments of the night.  Mario became frantic trying to find Marco again, desperate to clear the air and talk.  Mario kept circling the hall but cannot find him.  Somehow, Mario ended up with David again.

“I can’t find him.  He’s not here.”

“Mar, you now Marco, he’s probably back in house by now.”

“But I really want to find him.”

At this precise moment, Ed Sheeran came on.  The universe works in mysterious ways.  It shoves you in the most unexpected situation when you least want to be surprised.  Because at this very precise moment, i.e. the moment Ed Sheeran began singing, Marco showed up in front of him.  Okay, not in front in front, but he was dancing with his friends behind David.  And honestly?  That was all that was needed for Mario to burst out in tears while pathetically pointing at Marco, “he’s right there.  He’s here and he’s right there.” Again, babbling nonsense is one of the definite signs Mario should be in bed right now.

David, again bless his soul, patted Mario’s head calmly while holding up against his chest and slowly swaying to the music.  To everyone else, you would see Mario and David slow dancing to one of the most romantic songs in recent history.  Except, Mario was actually sobbing pitifully into David’s chest, blaming the universe for pulling a trick on him.

For the next hour, Mario didn’t stop crying.  Perhaps it was because he made himself stop crying over Marco two months ago, and this was all the built up frustration being released with the encouragement of alcohol. 

Again, Mario doesn’t know what he deserved to have friends like Thiago and David who helps him through his most pitiful times.  Thiago spent the next hour in Mario’s room cuddling with him and allowing Mario to dump all his drunken thoughts on him.  And most obviously, Mario loves drunk texting.  He loves to tell people about his feelings when he’s drunk when he’s wrongly confident about things. 

“I really want to text Marco.” He whispered after an hour of crying.

“Are you 100% sure you want to do that?” Thiago whispered back.

Mario didn’t reply, just staring at the text conversation with Marco. 

“Hey :(“ Sent.

Well it’s too late to change anything now, and he’s too tired to explain to Thiago why he sent the text so impulsively.  So he didn’t say anything.  Thiago put Mario to bed and slept in Xabi’s bed before leaving Mario.  Thiago didn’t leave until 2 in the morning.  Mario didn’t check his phone until 4 in the morning.

“How are you doing?” 00:05.  So proper and nice.

“I’m kinda okay. You?” Wow, way to make an impression Mario.

He didn’t get a reply until 11 in the morning.

“I’m fine, did you enjoy the evening?” Does he want to keep talking to me?

“Yeah it was good.  Did you stay for the disco afterwards?”

“Yeah it was surprisingly good in my opinion.” “Did you stay?” Wow, double text.  That’s a surprise.

“Yeah, I wasn’t feeling very well so I spent a bit of time outside.” Is Mario really testing Marco’s reaction right now?

“Ah ok, wish you all the best then.”

Fuck.  Okay… wrong thing to say.  What can I say now? Mario thought.

“I was trying to find you but I couldn’t.”

Okay, this was bold.  Too bold.  Shit.  Fuck. 

Mario panicked and hit “Block contact”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been busy with preparing for exams. This is the latest product of my procrastination. I might discontinue this story because I'm feeling quite uninspired about this story. Hope you guys are still enjoying this.


	6. 07.05.2017

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe he just wants everything to be over.

_Drown_

_Drowning_

_Drowned_

Mario feels like he’s drowning, like a small bird who took their first dip in the water and turned upside down accidentally.  He hadn’t meant to let this progress for so long but accidentally, he allowed himself to drown.  There’s no real descriptive way to explain the clouds in his head.

He gets frustrated when he can’t put his feelings in words.  There is nothing to explain but there is everything to discuss.  Why does he feel like crying when every emotion surge through his body in one moment?  How does he even begin to describe the rush of anger and frustration which runs through his heart in one moment of vulnerability?  How does he explain his need for space without offending anyone, especially Xabi?  How does he describe his suffocation whenever a person walks into his predisposed atmosphere?

Mario is stubborn to a fault.  He knows that.  He never discloses his feelings when he thinks it’s common sense.  And these days, he has the emotional state equivalent to a never-ending rollercoaster.  Every thought can make him cry, every feeling can burst his bubble and every emotion can make his heart beat miles per second.  There are so many things hidden in Mario’s heart yet so few had been revealed.  Given Mario’s X to share every detail in his life, it is a miracle that Mario hadn’t burst out shouting every thought buried within him right now. 

And Xabi.  Oh Xabi.  Mario loves Xabi to pieces, he honestly do.  They clash with the cultures in the furthest way, from mindset to behaviour but Mario does love Xabi to pieces.  But right now, Mario is at his most vulnerable state he had ever been for a few years and he is not ready to share it with anyone.  Xabi just so happened to be in the crossfire between Mario’s frustration and desperation.  He had never been good at vocalising his words, only at writing them and only at expressing them with his feet on the pitch.  He found the action of having to voice his concerns worrying and impossible to do.  He could feel tears waiting to burst through but he can’t seem to get them to flow.  All he could feel is his desperation at wanting someone to understand without him saying a word.

Maybe the pressure of being at Allianz is finally getting to him.  Maybe he is sick and tired of having to be the best one in the family.  Maybe he just wants everything to be over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is extremely short, I've been struggling with a few personal issues and my mental state. Hope this wasn't too bad if anyone is still around for this.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've stuck for this long then thank you. I appreciate deeply any constructive criticisms. Also I'm looking for a beta for this work as I'm too lazy and needs a kick up the butt constantly.
> 
> My Tumblr's [here](http://www.mnlnr.tumblr.com) if you're interested or just want to message me.


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